Dawn, that is really funny about the Ragu and the prom dress!  You can tell her I'm a horrible mother because I didn't force my older daughter to go to prom, since she didn't want to.

Something weird is going on.  The last post I made is not in the place it should be.  Also, let's be careful about what we say today.  And that's all I have to say about that. 

See my page for frequently used eBay discussion board acronyms.

(((Dawn)))) Please feel free to vent here any time. Sometimes it really does help to just get it all out. I'm not sure how I would have reacted if my hubby had gone for a vasectomy based on something his mother said.

I can relate on one thing: my hubby also has quite the family. He's gravitated to mine much more, and only talks to his occasionally. It's sad, but it also keeps him sane.

His dad was never around, so he and my dad bond a lot. They're planning a "guy's day out" to go to the firing range.

((((Delta)))) We didn't know....hey, I backed you up.

Toneee, you have "Wish You Were Here" stuck in my head.

((((Lucky)))) Just because you're you.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

lucky2ndchance wrote:

Dawn, does your MIL think you're Jewish?    I'm sorry you had to deal with all that with her.  I hope your husband finds peace with it some day.

Lucky, Jewish?  No she knows we're all heathen since the reformation.    I learned not to deal with all that and keep my eyes on the cross.    She has lots of ideas that many in the world would find INTERESTING; we're glad when she discusses them as it helps us see the pot holes in the road ahead.  We've all learned to avoid her pot holes and wish her only the best while turning her understanding over to God's hand so that he can heal any learning disabilities that are taking place.  She's so far above my pay grade with what she needs to deal with that I can't even begin to think of anything but prayer for her.  I'm really good with children and anyone who wants to be childlike as JC told us we should be.  The rest I hand over to someone else.  I can do crazy; I can't do insane.   

Time to keep it light again.  Here's a hopefully cute story from our past that might explain a lot.  On one of her visits to our house she told me that she was so impressed with my ability to make Italian food since she only ate it out and would never cook it at home.  She talked all through dinner about how great the food tasted and that it was all above her skill level as a cook and would never be able to do what I had done and how much she appreciated it.  I had to check myself since I was sure she was messing with me.  After dinner I showed her the jar of Ragu I had taken the sauce from and showed it to her and explained that if she wanted to she could do the same thing since jar sauces had come a long way.  Needless to say the whole exchange was very strange.  I had grown up on jar sauce and never would have thought of that as special or hard.  DH confirmed that they never had Italian food at home growing up.  In our house it was often and considered fast food.  She comes from a different world than what most of us live in. 

When I started to homeschool the kids her biggest fear was that DD would not have a prom dress and go to prom.  DD was 3 years old at the time.  As a homeschool Mom, Prom was the last thing on my mind.  She was so happy when I finally put the kids in public school because DD could go to prom.  Apparently the point of schools is so that your kids get a good outfit out of the deal and get socialized properly.  I never told her that I never went to my HS prom.  That would have just confirmed that I had not been well raised; she knows that anyway in her mind.    She would have died if she had know that DD had decided not to go to her prom and then changed her mind on her own and invited a friend from out of town at the last minute.  We let it be her decision; since at that age you are an adult. 

Now you know why I know that people are messy.  God has given me several gifts that come with special knowledge in that area. 

Inspiration is for amateurs; the rest of us just show up and get to work. Chuck Close

adrienne2238 wrote:

((((Moon)))) Good morning.

 

Oh my word...how did she react to the Medium's words? I can't even imagine...but I bet I would have loved to have been there.

Well, my Pops unfortunately had many strained relationships with his family--his first marriage.   He and his ex-wife, had resumed communications after my Mom's passing.  They shared four kids, and 13 grandchildren between them.  His ex-wife had a very vivid "visitation dream" from him right after he died, which was what prompted her visit with the spiritual medium.  

I listened to the audio tape of the reading.  The medium had relayed messages regarding his youngest daughter, and when I heard the tape, I just knew in that "psychic" way, that those messages were related to me, and not his "blood" daughter, as they had presumed.  

He was actually my step-grandfather, but he and my grandmother raised me.   And as to the estate proceedings, I was the Successor Trustee of the Trust, with all the legal responsibilities.   

As my grandmother was widowed, and was actually his "landlord" was he was going through his divorce.  So, she was a single mom, who owned all her own property, when they wed, and he had child support and alimony obligations for his wife and four children.  

This was the reason, the real property was held in Trust, for HER girls-- My biological mother, and myself.  I was named Trustee, because my mom, who was more like a distant older sister, lives in another country. 

He just made a complete legal mess of things, as in his Alzheimer's befuddled state of mind, he was permitting this woman to liquidate the assets of the Trust Estate.  

He was the one who told me, post-death, that the best legal strategy was to SUE him, for his breach of Fiduciary duty, in HIS capacity as Trustee.  The spiritual medium I had visited,  right after his death, had warned of this threat with the woman's bankruptcy Trustee,  only the message was not so "burning bush" clear.  He said that my Pops was waving papers around frantically, with this legal threat he could not quite elaborate on.  And the medium also made clear, that I had absolutely no reason, to feel guilty about standing my ground, about a gift, that our Mom had intended for us.  

 It was emotionally difficult, since his kids legally had no standing, as they were not beneficiaries of the Trust.   But they certainly were a part of his life, aside from the financial aspects, and they had an interest, in seeing the woman prosecuted for her crimes against their father.

That day, when I myself heard him so clearly.  He had said specifically, "You have to sue me, to protect yourselves."  And it was this legal strategy, that I was consistenly directing my lawyer to do, which he was purposely NOT bringing before the court.  The court appointed administrator was aware he was being deceitful to his client, yet did not speak up to the judge either!   It was not until the day of trial, when I was having a fiduciary tizzy fit in the Judges chambers, explaining that law enforcement had indicated they would not seek criminal prosecution, unless we prevailed in the civil proceedings, that she even was made aware of the provisions of the Trust--as he commited this fraud against his client, in her presence. 

It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change. ~ Charles Darwin

deltamaster wrote:

Dawn,

 

No need to worry.  I have a big mouth and if anything I always say too much!  I will never hold back just because of something like this.

 

I still believe that it is important to take advantage of opportunities and never wait until it is too late to make amends or visit with friends and family before it is too late.  Just in this situation it seems that the way you describe it your MIL is a manipulative woman and the urgency to go visit her before she passes away may not actually exist.

 

In  my mother's situation with my Grandfather he would NEVER have done anything to put anyone out.  He was a little miffed that we came up to visit even though he truly enjoyed it.  He was the type of person that never wanted to inconvenience anyone else on his account but was always very grateful if they did.

  Big mouth.    Have you met me.    She has taught me a lot about control issues for sure.  I now understand why self control is the fruit of the spirit and not the ability to control others.    We can learn good lessons in every thing with every body.    When we were younger and first married she would come to visit every six months and it would take me just about six months to get over the visit.  After about ten years and a lot of spiritual growth on my part she released me from any guilt by telling me that she didn't want me to step foot in OH since no one in that state could possibly like me.    She's a trip and a half.    DH has assured me that she doesn't know (admit) that she said those types of things.  I've forgiven.  I have no need to experience that again though.  I told DH what Dr. Phil advises people to do.  I stand up for him, me, and the kids with my parents and he can do the same with his parents. 

He doesn't want to have the conversation with her; I think he thinks she's not capable of understanding and that type of healing.  Now that is sad.  My personal views on that is that we plant the seed and walk away to let it germinate since nothing can grow until the seed is planted.  He can do it with everyone else, including me, just not them.  One of his cousins pulled me aside years ago to let me know that it wasn't me and it's been like that for a long time; she is older and has watched that show for a long time.  That did help that she told me that; it helped me heal from the hurt that was spewed my direction in the young years.  At least I learned and got the children out in time.  They still talk to her on the phone; they know it's just Grandma being Grandma again.  If she's playing nice I still talk to her on the phone.  Usually I run to get DH and get off as soon as possible making him answer all her questions.  Now when she asks me why he's such a failure I tell her to ask him.  She never does; she's just trying to push buttons.  I don't let her any more.  

Inspiration is for amateurs; the rest of us just show up and get to work. Chuck Close

Dawn,

No need to worry.  I have a big mouth and if anything I always say too much!  I will never hold back just because of something like this.

I still believe that it is important to take advantage of opportunities and never wait until it is too late to make amends or visit with friends and family before it is too late.  Just in this situation it seems that the way you describe it your MIL is a manipulative woman and the urgency to go visit her before she passes away may not actually exist.

In  my mother's situation with my Grandfather he would NEVER have done anything to put anyone out.  He was a little miffed that we came up to visit even though he truly enjoyed it.  He was the type of person that never wanted to inconvenience anyone else on his account but was always very grateful if they did.

deltamaster wrote:

Dawn,

I just feel really bad that sharing my advice was so inappropriate for you family dynamic.

{{{{{Delta}}}}}, Never feel bad.  I'm so glad that you cared enough to reach out and tried to offer help.  It's that fear of hurting each other that so many times keeps us paralyzed.  Don't ever live with that type of fear with me; I'm a big girl, own the big girl panties, and strong enough to live with the blessings as they come in any form.  Reaching out is always a blessing.    And even though the advice may have been a little off, I won't say wrong, for my situation maybe there was someone here that needs to hear that there are all different ways to work through a situation together.  It wasn't bad advice.  And we are trying to work out getting DH there. 

Inspiration is for amateurs; the rest of us just show up and get to work. Chuck Close

toneee wrote:

.

 

The sock drawer has been invaded - apparently I upset *someone *

 

 

Must be doing something right ...

 

What did you do NOW!

Dawn,

I just feel really bad that sharing my advice was so inappropriate for you family dynamic.

Moon, I think DH is in some ways ready to just have it all over with.  He's been moving on for years now with his own healing and has in many ways turned her over to God for her healing.  He had to do the same thing with his father and since his father's passing DH has been content to know that he's in God's hands.  The struggle stopped with the passing.  I hope the struggle will stop when his Mom passes too.  The hard part right now is that she can't seem to make up her own mind what will make her content; that's hard to watch.  That and some of the family is playing into it; most are not.  His sister is much like his Mom with a lack of contentment and many control issues.  Since his sister has a husband and they are not close I think he will let his sisters issues go when his Mom is not there to pull the strings. 

DH and I have both been very careful to not let family disfunctions pass to our own children and we have talked to them often about just turning someone over to God's loving hands when we can not do it.  When we know better we do better; we're trying to do better with our own children.  That's all we can do.  I'm willing to let go and let God heal all of our spirits.  I don't want to keep her stuck here when she has been so unhappy here on earth if that makes sense to you.  I think she will be happier after she passes since the worries of this world can be released for her if she chooses that. 

Inspiration is for amateurs; the rest of us just show up and get to work. Chuck Close

adrienne2238 wrote:

Dawn, it's horribly sad the way his family is treating him, and you. "Don't trust Catholics"? I may not agree with all the teachings of the Catholic church, but that doesn't mean I don't trust those who do agree with them. She's making it sound like being Catholic is like being a criminal.

 

Is she religious?

 

Also, to say that you are not her family is so hurtful, I'm sure, not to mention disrespectful to your husband. I can't guarantee I'll adore my son's future mate, but I CAN guarantee I'll do everything I can to accept them and make them always feel welcome.

 

I take back what I recommended last night. True, time may be running out, but after hearing the way she's treated her own son and his family, I would understand if your husband wasn't ready or willing to drop everything and go see her.

 

Aww...it's heartbreaking that you said he lost his joy of working. The past 2 days, when you said all he was doing, I could almost feel the excitement he must have been feeling getting all that accomplished.

 

((((Dawn and Dawn's hubby))))

Adrienne, Yes, she is religious.  DH ran to get a vasectomy after she said she could not love any more grandchildren.  I was given no choice in the matter.  He did the best he could at the time of that decision.  Today he might have made the same decision, but, for a different reason.  Having three children in three years was hard on my body even with easy pregnancies and good babies.  We all struggle to overcome the beliefs we are brought up with that are not good. 

To her being Catholic is like being a criminal and worse; she thinks we lack understanding of all things JC.  She blames me for DH becoming a SBC preacher; as if that is also a bad thing.  I guess I was supposed to say no to him.  She doesn't like that he stayed around the farming industry; she sent him to engineering school out of HS.  She like the last GF better; she was 10 years before from HS and she was married when he met me.  There is a book she keeps of the wrongs she thinks we've done to her.    I don't agree with all the things that come out of the Catholic religion.  I don't agree with all the things that come out of any religion; none of us has it all together.  I used to struggle with it; now I just accept it as it is and find the contentment and common ground; JC.  Unfortunately DH's Mom never has learned to do that.  Unfortunately I've also discovered over the years that there are people who can share your Joy and there are those who will try their best to do away with it because of their own hurts.  I work hard to protect the JOY; that's all I can do.  Thank you for listening and understanding.  It helps me to get it out so that I don't mess it up in my household and can stay content in the moment. 

And yes I hope he gets to see her one more time so that he doesn't feel guilty for the rest of his life.  DH deserves that. 

Inspiration is for amateurs; the rest of us just show up and get to work. Chuck Close