Know what you mean, but I doubt your seller can hold a candle to this one.
description .................. names the item, and has the following.
note that it is mandatory for buyers to purchase insurance for items that they are returning.
Blue XXX XXX is done by me to remove info that may possibly identify the source.
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WELCOME TO THE INSTITUTE
FOR XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.
I, the illustrious Professor XXXXX XXXXXX, will be your guide over the next few paragraphs. Please feel free to pretend to enjoy yourself.
Here at the Institute we use use every square inch of our sprawling estate to house our treasures until they find their "Forever Home". Many of the curiosities we have accumulated over the years are stored in the "ATTIC OF HORRORS" with its aptly named "Shelves of Slight Discomfort"...some are sent to live in the "Hall Closet of Partially Alarming Clutter" or the "Garage of Unspecific Dread" and some of our long term guests are housed in the newly rented "Corner Office of General Unease". Either way your item is heard about, seen, driven to, ordered, found, bargained for, obtained, traded for, bought, delivered to, received by, signed for, inventoried, scrubbed, cleaned, powered up, repaired, photographed, cropped, rotated, uploaded, listed, shelved, picked, bagged, packed, labeled and shipped by one guy...Professor XXX XXX.
If you think you might want to adopt multiple items, just send me a list of titles or item numbers and I can make special listing for you with them all together. You absolutely will not get combined shipping unless you specifically ask for it and it is agreed to...most likely it will.
Please ask before, not after you buy, before. I can't help you after you pay.
Is all this glorious exposition too much for you? Does it just make you want to send me a passive-aggressive message to tell me about how you can't be bothered to read any of it? You should probably just move on. It is likely we don't see eye to eye and that rarely works out for either party....besides this really was a trap.
Now more words!
I pride myself on my expert ability to package and ship items safely. Depending on the availability, your item may arrive in a double taped new or used cardboard box with; air-bubbles, peanuts, padded mailers & packing paper. I work with whatever I have on hand and that changes daily. I try to re-use as much packaging product as I can so your package may not be "pretty". I hope that you can help re-use some of the packing material too. If you need extra attention given to your package because you have a small mailbox, live in an apartment building or have a carrier that thinks mail requires bending as part of the delivery process, just let me know. If need be I can get some sheet metal. However as much as I want to help, I have not, nor will I ever give a courtesy refund for an item that you say you didn't get but shows "delivered" on tracking. If you think there is a possibility of theft from your delivery address or it might rain on your packages, you need to shore that business up. Get a PO box or have packages held at your local...don't be puttin' it on me.
Returns go back to the Institute at same address they came to you from. Some items are sold as in the package collectibles, removing them from the packaging can/will suspend your buyer protection. Items damaged during the return process will be worked out through the mandatory insurance you purchased when you returned the item. If I find that I am at fault for damage or mis-shipment, I of course will take care of it. Any item refused, marked return to sender, undeliverable, vacant, etc. or comes without tracking will be abandoned or ignored unless you make prior arrangements with me. Message me your tracking & insurance numbers before the package arrives please. It is easier and protects both of us that way.
I buy, scarf, obtain, scrounge & hoard jigsaw puzzles by the HUNDREDS from church, garage, community sales and such and they may have musty, basement or attic like odors. ALSO there is NO feasible way for me to count each and every one of them. If you are an avid puzzler you already know that counting the pieces is not a guarantee of completeness anyway. If you do buy a jigsaw puzzle and find there is a missing piece(s), please just let me know and I will be happy to take care of it. Just send me a picture of the "completed" puzzle with the missing piece(s).
Buying a puzzle from me means you acknowledge and consider each and every puzzle to be uncounted with a possibility of being incomplete.
To get refunded for any puzzle you may be required to destroy it and show me, or return part/all of it.
For alternate compensation you may choose to select another puzzle from stock at a discount or take a credit for future stock.
Keys are not implied to be either valid or invalid on any used games or software. Vintage software and media are sold for their pretty, pretty collectible packaging/art work and not guaranteed to work or have perfect image or sound quality. Music, game and other discs may be run on a professional buffer machine and then described as LN. Used & LN HC, TPB, DVD & BluRay games, movies and other digital media may or may not have intact or unexpired digital download codes or coupons. Some items may be disassembled or partially disassembled to ensure they arrive safely and unbroken. Batteries will not be included. My items come from many and varied sources (it would be an impossibility to tell you the smell pedigree of every item I have for sale) sometimes but not always including; smoking households, homes with weird pets, households with different gods or people that cook gross food. These theoretical smells are subjective. If you have a sensitive sniffer...don't look at me...blame your nose.
Making a best offer? Don't bother with less than half. I know that means you aren't serious and no one thinks it's cute when you waste their time. Starting with a lowball offer is not going to get you a better negotiating position...it's going to get you a worse one. Am I not responding to your totally lame worst offers? Just move on. Is the item already on sale? Well, that is the lowest it is going to go because I'm not here to give stuff away. When you come to my house...bring your money, or I don't have time for you.
Wanting me to split a lot up? I bet you can tell what the answer to that is. Yeah, you're a smart one alright, I knew I liked you.
Thinking of asking me to alter a customs form? NOPE....I will never, ever, ever considering doing it, so don't even ask. I'm not going to even pretend to entertain paying your customs fees. I can't even believe anyone even has the gall to ask that but they do.
Can't buy from the Institute? We don't take payment besides paypal unless you pick the item up in person. If you pay by echeck, I open all unpaid item cases as soon as possible, so better hope it clears when it is supposed to. If you are blocked or having some sort of difficulty and you absolutely cannot live without one of the Institute's items, send me a message. I'll help you the best that I can.
Am I an idiot? (entirely possible) Did I manage to misspell something even with spell checker on? Poor grammar? Did I use the wrong picture? Item details from some other book showing up? Got a $4000 handling fee? Is a fat blobby cat in the picture obscuring something? Shipping set to Overnight Express? Let me know, I'm just one, solitary, handsome professor and I list VERRRRY early in the morning. I am happy to thank for the assist. Know more than me about the item? ...eh, that's also possible. I'm an expert on many, many things, especially in the XXXXXX XXXXX (1960s-2010s). I am not however Big King UGG- All Highest of Nerdlandia & Beyond. There are times where I'll miss something like an armor bit, a backpack, a trailer hitch a broken wing tip or a chipped ear. For that I beg your patience. It has taken me 25+ years to amass the knowledge that I have but there is still plenty more to learn.
Need your item faster, like overnight? Want it shipped as a gift? Got special packaging or delivery needs, like to a giftee? Do you just like asking pertinent questions? Fire away! Please note that I cannot & will not mail your item to anywhere but the address(s) you have on file with ebay and chose at checkout. If you have a giftee in mind, put their address into your profile and choose it when you checkout. Do that BEFORE you buy anything. Looking for combined shipping? Also before you buy, not after. Need delayed shipment? ...again, before you buy is the time to ask for this. Think maybe the shipping is a bit off? ...before you buy. Help ME, help YOU. I'm happy to assist you with whatever you need BEFORE checkout. BEFORE. before before before before.
Problem with your order? Drop me a line. I'm happy and determined to help and make your sale right. I'm only one guy doing all this so every now and then I do make a mistake....only problem is, with one handsome and humble professor doing all the work around here, there is no one left to catch the mistake except you.
Item damaged? Not quite what you were expecting? Well, dangit. In buying an item from the Institute you are agreeing to help out in any insurance claim, showing me pictures proving your damage claim and possibly keeping damaged merchandise and packaging. You get any given refund from me, I get my refund from who I used to get your item delivered. To start, you show me a picture of the item damaged and the damaged packaging along with the correspondence or notes from the USPS. I may end up working it out through insurance and a postal inspector might need to take possession of the item or I may ask for a part to be mailed back, like a book cover or part of the box, I may ask you to destroy the item & provide photo proof or I may call it a wash with no further action needed by either of us. Remember you need to save any notes, damaged packaging & the damaged item as well because it may need to be given to the PO as part of a claim.
I totally believe you that your item was damaged or not as described, now you can totally believe me that I need to see that picture anyway.
Item go missing? Well...I have online view-able tracking on just about every package so just let me know and both of us can easily look into it. If it is a week or more outside of delivery then we should both call the USPS. It will dramatically increase the chances of shaking loose any stuck packages within the system. Please note Hawaii and Alaska residents you should already know that ebay delivery estimates to you are NEVER correct.
I have had NO packages make it Alaska or Hawaii in the estimated time frame in over 20 years.
Not one.
So Stay Calm.
Don't be offended if/when I file NPBs after two days. It really isn't personal. If you can't pay right away, it would be a good idea (and common courtesy) to ask if I mind before you buy. If you need a few extra days, I really don't mind. I certainly do mind if you don't ask.
I'm not going to beg you to pay, so you do your part and I'll do my part...capisce?
I do not honor buyer requested cancellations unless it is discussed with me directly in messages prior...and you better sell me on your story. "I don't know what I'm doing.", "I found it cheaper", "I am poor" or "I didn't read/look" are all equally unacceptable reasons. Your absolutely pathetic excuse better include werewolf bites, demonic possession or something real interesting for me to read. Don't be giving me "accidentally" hit the "Buy It Now"...and what?
You accidentally searched for, found, clicked on, bought, checked out AND paid too?
Pffft...you don't think I know how ebay works?
Get real.
Not sure what the item is that I am selling? I know right! (You'd be surprised how often this happens) This is a BIG, ENORMOUS, TITANIC, YUUUGE hint that maybe you shouldn't just go and willy-nilly hit "Buy It Now". Look, I know I am not the most flowery of description writers. "This is the name of the thing I have, it is in X condition.", is about as far as I go. I sell niche market collectibles and oddities mostly. I can't even begin to imagine how you possibly got here if you don't know what my thing is...and if you do not know what my thing is or you are unfamiliar with it...ASK. I'd so much rather you DID NOT buy something from me if you don't know what it is or what I am talking about. ...and why are you offering me money for stuff that you don't even know what it is in the first place?
WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN?
Let me repeat that in a different way, even though I shouldn't have to: "If you do not know what it is you are looking at in my store, do not buy it!". Pause. Another pause. Ask me what it is. If you still don't know after that...
If you are not sure what shelf wear, ding, stress, variant, chipping, oxidation, acid staining, Silver, Bronze, Copper Age, Full Bleed, JLA, JSA, BTVS, LOTR, ST:TNG, VF, GN, HC, PF, PB, TPB, OGN, OAV, MOC, MISB, DCU, MSRP or any of the other hundreds of common pop culture lingo terms mean....you are over your head and you are going to need some help. It's OK. Everyone starts somewhere. Feel free to ask me anything, (except the exact measurements of t-shirts....man if you require perfectly tailored t-shirts, ebay is not the place for you...try Millionaires T-Shirt Depot instead.) I'm your 20+ years experience Nerd Prince expert. Please make your questions very specific if you need more information and please...do your asking before you buy.
If I don't respond, maybe there is a good reason why and maybe there isn't.
Please just move on.
My handling time is 1 day, but most shipments go out in far less than 24 hours and even some within mere minutes of paying and I won't be able to read any notes you included at checkout because I pack and pull with a mobile phone.
Feedback is automatically & randomly generated after you receive your item and are happy.
Again, because this is super extra important: I cannot & will not ship to any address other than one you chose at checkout. Make sure the address you want your item shipped to is correct before you pay. Once you pay...that's it, I don't ask if it is correct. If you have special delivery needs, you have to tell me before you buy because most times your item is already on its way before your message is read.
Firm but fair. Informal but professional. Committed and honest. Long winded and slightly amusing. Devastatingly handsome but not real tall.
The Institute is an outlet for overstock and garage/estate sale & thrift store treasure hunt finds. I take it very seriously as this is my full time job.
If you didn't like my novella length Wordy McWordwords, well I'm sure with enough time and counselling you'll come to forgive me. Also, meh.
